I have SAD (unprofessionally diagnosed, mind you) which stands for Seasonal Affective Disorder. With the lack of sunlight during the long Canadian winters I get depressed, sleep more, eat more, become withdrawn and moody and anti-social. I have great difficulty waking in the morning, generally get to work late and aggrivated from the commute on public transit made longer and more uncomfortable than usual because of poor weather, additional other riders (so rude!) and slow-moving cars. Generally speaking, I am a most disagreeable person from November to March.
I hate winter. I hate the cold. I hate people. I hate my life. I just want to sleep. I should have been born a bear, in which all this behaviour is excused if not downright expected. Growl.
I am not one to remain mired however. I undergo light-therapy and take vitamin D and St. John's Wort and try to get out and do fun stuff in daylight as much as possible. I try to connect with friends but everyone is so busy with christmas, it can be difficult. I try to budget and schedule a getaway to some tropical place mid-February every year, but current economic currents are dragging that idea down in an undertow. But I just have to keep trying, keep pushing myself. And keep smiling.
Wake me up when the snow melts.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
The End is Near
I have this behavioral tick...I give up when I'm close to the finish. Almost as if I am too afraid to succeed, to push myself in those last few steps because I think failure is inevitable, heartbreak is guaranteed and I don't deserve it anyway.
I can see the end now, and although it is still a long way off, part of me wants to put the breaks on right now. How dare I try to have everything I want? But this is my time. I just have to wait and continue as I am, gradually. It will take an almost superhuman effort not to stop in my tracks and run in the other direction, though.
But it has never been more important to me than now to stay the course.
So long as you are with me along the way, I know I can cross that finish line.
I can see the end now, and although it is still a long way off, part of me wants to put the breaks on right now. How dare I try to have everything I want? But this is my time. I just have to wait and continue as I am, gradually. It will take an almost superhuman effort not to stop in my tracks and run in the other direction, though.
But it has never been more important to me than now to stay the course.
So long as you are with me along the way, I know I can cross that finish line.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Happiness
I love lazy lay-in mornings, cuddling and talking and giggling. I can't wait until this can happen every morning, and not just once in a while.
I can still smell him on my skin.
I can still smell him on my skin.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Sometimes
Sometimes I feel like I am standing on the precipice of a great catastrophe, on the edge of a not-so-dormant volcano that is rumbling menacingly just beneath the earth's surface, or that I am gingerly, softly, sliding my fingers along the wet maw of a starving lion...if I can hear the coming storm, see the swirling dark clouds in the distance, I can't avert my eyes nor direct my steps to escape, like I have some terrible fascination in impending doom. I stare and think: there is fate; that is destiny. Whatever it brings it comes without mercy and without remorse. It knows no emotion nor offers no reprieve. It just is.
Sometimes...I dream of infants with adult voices, their sardonic puckered pink faces cajoling, mocking, words cruelly reminding me of years tumbling down beyond my power to grasp them. I have conversations with these too-wise children, plead ignorance, diversion or disinterest, but they accept no excuse, they trade no barter, they forgive no wasted time. They know how stealthy the years can creep while we wait for better circumstance.
I amaze myself with my ease at cruelty, how with a turn of phrase, a flick of a wrist, and I have made my painful mark. I watch it like a captive audience in disbelief, and replay it again and again, multiplying the cruelty with a punishment of mine and all my own.
Sometimes I know I am self-destructing, I know I am sabotaging my life, I know the arms that are holding up a facade are weakening and I let them weaken. Sometimes I love the sound of the crash and the fury and the temporary calm of the eye of my own storm.
I lash out, anger redirected. I am not angry at you. I am angry at myself, disgusted with myself, afraid of myself and what I am capable of destroying. And before I destroy this fragile thing we’ve created, I sacrifice it, hold it up and point out its flaws and weaknesses to you so you can say the words I am afraid to say and you can bear the weight of the stigma, the title of murderer, the Knight whose sword missed its aim and slew me instead of the dragon. Or perhaps I am the dragon and your aim was unconsciously true.
Sometimes...I dream of infants with adult voices, their sardonic puckered pink faces cajoling, mocking, words cruelly reminding me of years tumbling down beyond my power to grasp them. I have conversations with these too-wise children, plead ignorance, diversion or disinterest, but they accept no excuse, they trade no barter, they forgive no wasted time. They know how stealthy the years can creep while we wait for better circumstance.
I amaze myself with my ease at cruelty, how with a turn of phrase, a flick of a wrist, and I have made my painful mark. I watch it like a captive audience in disbelief, and replay it again and again, multiplying the cruelty with a punishment of mine and all my own.
Sometimes I know I am self-destructing, I know I am sabotaging my life, I know the arms that are holding up a facade are weakening and I let them weaken. Sometimes I love the sound of the crash and the fury and the temporary calm of the eye of my own storm.
I lash out, anger redirected. I am not angry at you. I am angry at myself, disgusted with myself, afraid of myself and what I am capable of destroying. And before I destroy this fragile thing we’ve created, I sacrifice it, hold it up and point out its flaws and weaknesses to you so you can say the words I am afraid to say and you can bear the weight of the stigma, the title of murderer, the Knight whose sword missed its aim and slew me instead of the dragon. Or perhaps I am the dragon and your aim was unconsciously true.
"Cuba Libre" (in the style of a SATC monologue)
With the sun shining like a promise of things to come for me on my vaction to Cuba next week, I walked back to work from a lunch meeting with a woman ridiculously in love. She contacted me through Facebook asking if I could take a letter and gift to her boyfriend working at the resort I'll be staying at next week.
She is 38 and vibrant, fresh of face and attitude and from Toronto, as unlikely as that seems to a jaded Torontonian. And despite a language barrier and an age difference (he's 26) and being in vastly different and far-away countries they have fallen in love. It is a kind of love that shuts my mouth when it wants to speak words of realism, of logic, of typical Canadian coolness to the mere idea of love at first sight.
She tells me how they met, how they communicate, how she painstakenly translates her love letters from English to gramatically-correct Spanish for him, how he is saving money to buy his mother a refrigerator, how he is sweet and kind and how she loves having something and someone to look forward to after so many years of "living in a cinderblock room" here. She is not naive. She knows long distant relationships have the shelf-life appeal of tacky touristy trinkets. But she is willing to risk it. It amazes me. She is willing to go so far, to Cuba for another 6 months next time to be with the one she loves, whereas I'm not willing to make the move to Scarborough, or Mississauga or anywhere else for that matter.
I cannot help but wonder...was it ever possible in this city to be so romantically optimistic, so free with affection and feeling and willing to take an ultimate risk with our heart, or are we just too cynical for that kind of freedom in Cuba, or anywhere else? Do we need to go all the way to Cuba to learn how to be free?
She is 38 and vibrant, fresh of face and attitude and from Toronto, as unlikely as that seems to a jaded Torontonian. And despite a language barrier and an age difference (he's 26) and being in vastly different and far-away countries they have fallen in love. It is a kind of love that shuts my mouth when it wants to speak words of realism, of logic, of typical Canadian coolness to the mere idea of love at first sight.
She tells me how they met, how they communicate, how she painstakenly translates her love letters from English to gramatically-correct Spanish for him, how he is saving money to buy his mother a refrigerator, how he is sweet and kind and how she loves having something and someone to look forward to after so many years of "living in a cinderblock room" here. She is not naive. She knows long distant relationships have the shelf-life appeal of tacky touristy trinkets. But she is willing to risk it. It amazes me. She is willing to go so far, to Cuba for another 6 months next time to be with the one she loves, whereas I'm not willing to make the move to Scarborough, or Mississauga or anywhere else for that matter.
I cannot help but wonder...was it ever possible in this city to be so romantically optimistic, so free with affection and feeling and willing to take an ultimate risk with our heart, or are we just too cynical for that kind of freedom in Cuba, or anywhere else? Do we need to go all the way to Cuba to learn how to be free?
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Thursday, July 31, 2008
A search engine saved my life today
I got a lovely reply from a gentleman to one of my online personal ads. He seemed intelligent and funny and very articulate and shared many of the same interests. It looked very promising. And then, out of curiosity (because he either foolishly or trustingly provided his full and rather unique name), I “Googled” him. Turns out, he's a member of some "Pony Play" forum boards and seems to actively participate in the lifestyle.
For those who do not know, “Pony Play” is a particularly interesting and unique fetish consisting of people who dress-up in BDSM wear and pretend to be ponies. Little saddles and carriages and riding crops come into play, as does the insertion in a certain body cavity of a decorative “tail”.
I don't want to judge, everyone has their unique peccadilloes, I just know it's not for me and I'd rather know now than after investing time and energy with him and then him telling me about all of this after a couple of weeks or months of dating. I loathe having my time wasted.
*shudder* Needless to say I will NOT be responding to his email.
Thank you Google, thank you.
For those who do not know, “Pony Play” is a particularly interesting and unique fetish consisting of people who dress-up in BDSM wear and pretend to be ponies. Little saddles and carriages and riding crops come into play, as does the insertion in a certain body cavity of a decorative “tail”.
I don't want to judge, everyone has their unique peccadilloes, I just know it's not for me and I'd rather know now than after investing time and energy with him and then him telling me about all of this after a couple of weeks or months of dating. I loathe having my time wasted.
*shudder* Needless to say I will NOT be responding to his email.
Thank you Google, thank you.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Into the Fray
After a self-imposed hiatus, I have re-entered the "dating scene" with a couple of profiles on some on-line dating sites and joining some singles-events groups in my metropolis. I fully expect the first weedy crop of suitors to be of that particular brand of man that simply is looking for sex. I understand that and will chop them down at the knees accordingly. While a nice one-night toe-curling session is occasionally a welcome thing I am on a mission this time. I have a certain lofty goal in mind...
A real-ationship. Emphasis on the "real".
Will post updates soon.
Wish me luck.
A real-ationship. Emphasis on the "real".
Will post updates soon.
Wish me luck.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Frugalicious
Velvet Rose is feeling blue today.
I paid off a bunch of my bills this morning and have come to the bleak realization that there will be no swanky cocktails, shoe, clothes or makeup purchases nor even lunch purchases from the cute new sushi boite, for a rather long time.
Budgeting was never my forte. Unless I can find a sweet sugar Daddy interested in a temporary arrangement, it seems I have to be frugal for the next little while. And unfortunately frugal also may mean anti-social.
Apologies in advance to my dear friends. How about a nice girl's poker nite and pot luck, or a Girl's Nite In with popcorn and movies?
http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2008/07/17/100-things-to-do-during-a-money-free-weekend/
I paid off a bunch of my bills this morning and have come to the bleak realization that there will be no swanky cocktails, shoe, clothes or makeup purchases nor even lunch purchases from the cute new sushi boite, for a rather long time.
Budgeting was never my forte. Unless I can find a sweet sugar Daddy interested in a temporary arrangement, it seems I have to be frugal for the next little while. And unfortunately frugal also may mean anti-social.
Apologies in advance to my dear friends. How about a nice girl's poker nite and pot luck, or a Girl's Nite In with popcorn and movies?
http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2008/07/17/100-things-to-do-during-a-money-free-weekend/
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Opportunity Comes Knocking?
The Russian asked me out to lunch today. Just he and I. Seems he forgot his lunch at home. He never forgets his lunch at home.
I am still kicking myself for having turned him down.
I am still kicking myself for having turned him down.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Appropos of nothin....
R: how do you say "I love you" in Portuguese?
VL: *writes the phrase on a post-it note and pronounces it slowly* it's read like it's written, it's an easy phonetic language to learn
R: like French?
VL: gah, so not like French! French is complicated, a missapplied accent can change everything
R: it's not that hard
VL: so now you want to know a fourth language?
R: it will come in handy
VL: yes it will. Now that you know how to say it I expect to hear it from you much more often.
R: *laughs*
R: how do you say "I love you" in Portuguese?
VL: *writes the phrase on a post-it note and pronounces it slowly* it's read like it's written, it's an easy phonetic language to learn
R: like French?
VL: gah, so not like French! French is complicated, a missapplied accent can change everything
R: it's not that hard
VL: so now you want to know a fourth language?
R: it will come in handy
VL: yes it will. Now that you know how to say it I expect to hear it from you much more often.
R: *laughs*
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Leaving the Comfort Zone
Every so often I find myself wrapped too tightly in the security of my comfort zone. I stop trying to do new things, meet new people, or expand my mindset. The circle of friends is getting smaller and smaller and I don't think it's up to them anyway to keep me out of my rut. They have things to do as well.
So today I am going to a swanky bar in the downtown core to have overpriced drinks with a bunch of strangers. A cocktail meeting of other women in the same boat brought together by an internet chat-room post. Why the hell not? The worst thing that can happen is that they don't like my shoe/handbag combo and sniff and turn up their noses and turn their backs on me. Boo frikken hoo. At best I'll have a drink in my hand, and we all know that copious amounts of alcohol is the best social lubricant.
So today I am going to a swanky bar in the downtown core to have overpriced drinks with a bunch of strangers. A cocktail meeting of other women in the same boat brought together by an internet chat-room post. Why the hell not? The worst thing that can happen is that they don't like my shoe/handbag combo and sniff and turn up their noses and turn their backs on me. Boo frikken hoo. At best I'll have a drink in my hand, and we all know that copious amounts of alcohol is the best social lubricant.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Last Day of School
I remember when I was younger that the last day of school seemed to have this kind of magical quality. In grade school we attended class, but nothing concrete was really taught. Some teachers would let us chatter and goof around until the bell, and others would make us write in journals, or do What I Learned this Year essays. Mostly, I sat near the window and dreamed. And waited. The summer stretched out before me like a seemingly endless time to play, swim, sleep, watch TV, skin my knees climbing trees, curl my toes into sand or lie on grass just staring at the sky and seeing shapes in the clouds. All the possibilities for nothing and everything swirling in my head and waiting for the sluggish minute hand to cycle the clock.
The older I became the less I dreamed of the possibilities of summer. It semed just another few months of the year that were hotter than the rest, and there was more time to work at the job, more daylight to get chores and errands accomplished. I forgot to curl my toes in the sand. I didn't schedule time to lay on the grass. And before I knew it, summer was gone, the weather cooler and I never got the chance to play.
I want to play again before I see my last summer.
The older I became the less I dreamed of the possibilities of summer. It semed just another few months of the year that were hotter than the rest, and there was more time to work at the job, more daylight to get chores and errands accomplished. I forgot to curl my toes in the sand. I didn't schedule time to lay on the grass. And before I knew it, summer was gone, the weather cooler and I never got the chance to play.
I want to play again before I see my last summer.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Russian drops off some paperwork in my IN-Tray...
R: more work for you
VR: you know one day i'm going to look into my tray and find you have left me a love letter instead of work
R: hah, you don't need a letter, you know how i feel about you
VR: still, a girl likes to hear it once in a while
R: you mean read it, you just want it in writing
VR: yes, that and a pre-nup
R: HA! so if we got married and then divorced, you wouldn't get mad...
VR:...I'd get half! LOL
R: you know the other day I saw a Porche with the license plate "WAS HIS"
VR: LOL!! i love it!
R: more work for you
VR: you know one day i'm going to look into my tray and find you have left me a love letter instead of work
R: hah, you don't need a letter, you know how i feel about you
VR: still, a girl likes to hear it once in a while
R: you mean read it, you just want it in writing
VR: yes, that and a pre-nup
R: HA! so if we got married and then divorced, you wouldn't get mad...
VR:...I'd get half! LOL
R: you know the other day I saw a Porche with the license plate "WAS HIS"
VR: LOL!! i love it!
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
I've been pushed and pulled to the brink of tenderness
feeling like the expanse of skin and sinew,
blood and bone
that pushed out into the world, new.
You made me scream when I was past language,
grunting and moaning when I was devoid of words.
Make me believe again
in flesh and bone,
and in the sacred secret praise of sweat and stain.
Lick the marrow and click together teeth in chilling sweet shudder,
but do not leave me, alone, in this darkness.
feeling like the expanse of skin and sinew,
blood and bone
that pushed out into the world, new.
You made me scream when I was past language,
grunting and moaning when I was devoid of words.
Make me believe again
in flesh and bone,
and in the sacred secret praise of sweat and stain.
Lick the marrow and click together teeth in chilling sweet shudder,
but do not leave me, alone, in this darkness.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
SATC and The Pashmina Mafia
This coming Friday me and the gals are finally going to go see Sex and the City: The Movie. We tried to go opening weekend but it was sold out. Crazy. We plan on drinking many martinis and Cosmopolitans and teetering in our Jimmy Choos.
I wasn't always a fan of SATC, but once I started watching I was a little shocked and comforted at the parallels between my life and the lives of the characters - we were going through very similar situations in our dating lives. It was nice to know I wasn't the only one.
People have said I am a "Samantha", but I like to think I am a little bit of all of them combined. I can be super-confident and sexually liberated like Samantha (although we all know her overt confidence often masked a deeper insecurity). I can also be obsessively romantic and prudish like Charlotte and have often called upon her eternal hope and optimism to see myself through things. I can also be a bit self-loathing and uber-critical of men like Miranda, but like her, needing the stability and grounding of a man who will love me even through my crazy episodes. And I'm a lot like Carrie. Carrie and Big. Too much like her for my liking sometimes. Except for the shoe obsession. I only have about 100 pairs. Really.
Will report back on what we thought of the film next week.
I wasn't always a fan of SATC, but once I started watching I was a little shocked and comforted at the parallels between my life and the lives of the characters - we were going through very similar situations in our dating lives. It was nice to know I wasn't the only one.
People have said I am a "Samantha", but I like to think I am a little bit of all of them combined. I can be super-confident and sexually liberated like Samantha (although we all know her overt confidence often masked a deeper insecurity). I can also be obsessively romantic and prudish like Charlotte and have often called upon her eternal hope and optimism to see myself through things. I can also be a bit self-loathing and uber-critical of men like Miranda, but like her, needing the stability and grounding of a man who will love me even through my crazy episodes. And I'm a lot like Carrie. Carrie and Big. Too much like her for my liking sometimes. Except for the shoe obsession. I only have about 100 pairs. Really.
Will report back on what we thought of the film next week.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Flirting with the Russian
At my work there is a charming, clever and uncomfortably good-looking young man who henceforth (to protect his identity and my modesty) will be known simply as The Russian.
We have a flirtatious exchange at least once a week. It is my firm intention in these exchanges to make him blush. He colours such a nice shade of pink, I can't begin to describe. He is attached, in case you are wondering why I do not just pounce on him already. It is all innocent and in good albeit not-so-clean fun.
Here are few choice exchanges from recent memory...
November 16th
A fellow co-worker (G) spills the beans about The Russian's birthday
VR: A little birdie told me today is your birthday
R: A little spanish birdie i suppose?
VR: She's told me to invite you to lunch, our treat
R: Free lunch? but of course
VR: So how old are you today?
R: 22
VR: You lie
R: It's true! It's been true for the last 10 years in fact
VR: Well I feel awful now, all this time I've been attempting to rob a cradle
R: What is this? You have such strange sayings....
VR: Nevermind that. Are you familiar with our Western tradition of Birthday Spankings?
R: No, but I have a feeling you are going to teach me this tradition
VR: *smiles*
and later, walking to the restaurant with G in tow...
VR: So G, R says he's only 22 today
G: Really?
R: It's true, but I'm not growing anymore
VR: Oh I'm sure you grow in other areas
G: *laughing*
December 13th
Day of our after-work Staff Christmas Party...
VR: So are you coming to the party tonight? it will be lots of fun...
R: no, no. i can't.
VR: Why not? just come for a drink..
R: No, i have to be home at a certain time
VR: She keeps you on a short leash, doesn't she?
R: What does this mean, leash?
VR: you know like a dog...
R: Oh that's only in the bedroom *wink*
December 16th
R: *reacting to a scantily clad, buff angel a co-worker put up on her Facebook profile* That's what she finds attractive?
VR: Some people do
R: he's very hairless
VR: Yes. I prefer a hairy chest myself, it's beastly
R: Pardon?
VR: Beastly. you know...Rawr!
R: oh well then *pulls neck of t-shirt down a bit to afford me a glance* RAWR!
VR: *blushes furiously*
December 21st
R: Look, I got a haircut at lunch today
VR: oohh looks nice. can i run my fingers through it?
R: but of course (bends over profferring his head)
VR: *giggle* very nice they did a very good job
R: I hope so, it was expensive enough. Honestly for $40 I expected a blow job at the end of it
VR: *eyes widen* that would be very festive
R: oh? how?
VR:well they could tie a red bow on it when they are done...
R: *Laughs*
December 22nd
We received our annual holiday gift baskets from the company, I opened mine and left it at my desk. The next day...
R: *inspecting items in my Christmas basket* Oh this is nice...what's this...oh that's interesting...
VR: why are you inspecting my items?
R: because I took mine home already and you've already opened yours
VR: I am feeling a little uncomfortable with you standing there inspecting my things
R: well, darling if it would make you feel better you can come home with me tonight and inspect my things
VR: EEP!
January 4th
the 8:30 to 4:30 crew just left and a lovely silence descends. I walk past Russian's desk and said to him..
VR: wow it got so quiet, amazing difference the absence of one or two people makes.
R: I can be loud too
VR: Really?" *smirk*
R:*blush, smirks* well what's the point of holding it in?
VR: especially when you are having so much fun
January 7th
far too early in the day or week for it...
VR: I thought you were taking the day off today since it's your christmas?
R: No, I'd have to take it as a Vacation day, I don't want to.
VR: But it's your christmas. We get the day off, so should you. That's not fair.
R: Life's not fair.
VR: yeah, you have to just put up and shut up
R: Put out?
VR: no, put up...
R: I'd rather put out
VR: I know dear, but it's a little early
R: Oh I like it early...
VR: yes, let me have my coffee first, hmm?
January 9th
Russian bought a new phone and is experimenting with all the ring tones...
R: this one is called "disco"*music*
R: and this one is called "slow groove"*music*
VR: wow, so when someone calls you it sounds like there's a party in your pants
R: Oh behave!
VR: hey put it on vibrate, put it in your pocket and let me call you...
R: *laugh*
January 10th
Russian comes back from the kitchen with a satisfied smile on his face....
VR: did you just eat a canary?
R: pardon?
VR: you have a big smile on your face, like the cat that ate the canary...
R: no, I ate a piece of fudge..I've never heard of this saying. And my cats do not eat canaries
VR: I suppose your cats eat caviar?
R: all my pussies deserve caviar...
February 15th
day after valentine's day...
VR: So what did you get your sweetie for valentine's day
R: A Dyson Vacuum cleaner
VR: *deadpan* wow. how romantic.
R: it was! they are the Porshe of vacuum cleaners!
VR: really?
R: and...they never lose their suction*winks*...
April 2nd
R: *handing me a stack of papers* sorry to be giving you work
VR: could be worse. you could be giving me VD
May 2nd
Russian walks by my desk with his afternoon snack fixings..a couple of slices of whole wheat bread and big jar of Nutella spread (for those of you don't know it's a delicious hazelnut-chocolate spread loved my European children and kinksters the world over)
R: *sotto voce* want to join me?
VR: *blush* ahhhhh...hmmm
R: c'mon I'll make one for you and one for me
VR: *blush* *stammer* *cough*
R: what why are you blushing? it's just nutella. don't tell me you are on some stupid diet?
VR: no, no...it's..you don't understand
R: c'mon it's gooood...
VR: no *gets very warm* you don't understand. I have nutella at home. But I don't put it on bread.
*pause*
*pause*
R: *blushes* *laughs* well now you HAVE to come with me..
May 8th
As I was chatting with G (a.k.a the Russian's Work-Spouse) about something, the Russian felt compelled to sidle over and interrupt...
R: Are you in love?
VR: Pardon??
R: Are you in love? is there a special new man in your life?
G: Why the hell are you asking that!?
R: Because for the last while she has a certain glow and is happy and she is dressing so nice...
G: *motions to the tiny bit of exposed cleavage under my zipped-up jacket* HUH. yeah you know where he's looking!
VR:*zips jacket a bit more closed* You really shouldn't say those things to me in front of her you know how jealous she gets! *laugh*
R: but it's true, you have this nice glow like someone in love
G: maybe she is *winks* or maybe it's just the tan from her trip to Cuba
VR: *blushes* Yes, I'm in love with life, I'm in love with spring...
R & G: *roll their eyes*
VR: LOL no, there's no one right now. Don't you have some nice single Russian friends you can introduce me to?
R: oh no...
G: HA! No he wants you all to himself!
VR: hah oh well thank you for the compliment sweetie
R: you're welcome darling *sticks tongue out at G*
May 21st
R: you're not staying late again are you?
VR: yeah. I don't have a Russian waiting for me at home, I might as well stay and get some work finished
R: you need to look around, this city is a meat market
VR: oh really? where specifically?
R: downtown
VR: I don't think I would like the "meat" available downtown...
R: *laughs* ok i'm going
VR: yes, go home and wait for me, Ii should be home in an hour or so, you can cook me something...
R: *laughs* goodnite!
He's so damn cute!
We have a flirtatious exchange at least once a week. It is my firm intention in these exchanges to make him blush. He colours such a nice shade of pink, I can't begin to describe. He is attached, in case you are wondering why I do not just pounce on him already. It is all innocent and in good albeit not-so-clean fun.
Here are few choice exchanges from recent memory...
November 16th
A fellow co-worker (G) spills the beans about The Russian's birthday
VR: A little birdie told me today is your birthday
R: A little spanish birdie i suppose?
VR: She's told me to invite you to lunch, our treat
R: Free lunch? but of course
VR: So how old are you today?
R: 22
VR: You lie
R: It's true! It's been true for the last 10 years in fact
VR: Well I feel awful now, all this time I've been attempting to rob a cradle
R: What is this? You have such strange sayings....
VR: Nevermind that. Are you familiar with our Western tradition of Birthday Spankings?
R: No, but I have a feeling you are going to teach me this tradition
VR: *smiles*
and later, walking to the restaurant with G in tow...
VR: So G, R says he's only 22 today
G: Really?
R: It's true, but I'm not growing anymore
VR: Oh I'm sure you grow in other areas
G: *laughing*
December 13th
Day of our after-work Staff Christmas Party...
VR: So are you coming to the party tonight? it will be lots of fun...
R: no, no. i can't.
VR: Why not? just come for a drink..
R: No, i have to be home at a certain time
VR: She keeps you on a short leash, doesn't she?
R: What does this mean, leash?
VR: you know like a dog...
R: Oh that's only in the bedroom *wink*
December 16th
R: *reacting to a scantily clad, buff angel a co-worker put up on her Facebook profile* That's what she finds attractive?
VR: Some people do
R: he's very hairless
VR: Yes. I prefer a hairy chest myself, it's beastly
R: Pardon?
VR: Beastly. you know...Rawr!
R: oh well then *pulls neck of t-shirt down a bit to afford me a glance* RAWR!
VR: *blushes furiously*
December 21st
R: Look, I got a haircut at lunch today
VR: oohh looks nice. can i run my fingers through it?
R: but of course (bends over profferring his head)
VR: *giggle* very nice they did a very good job
R: I hope so, it was expensive enough. Honestly for $40 I expected a blow job at the end of it
VR: *eyes widen* that would be very festive
R: oh? how?
VR:well they could tie a red bow on it when they are done...
R: *Laughs*
December 22nd
We received our annual holiday gift baskets from the company, I opened mine and left it at my desk. The next day...
R: *inspecting items in my Christmas basket* Oh this is nice...what's this...oh that's interesting...
VR: why are you inspecting my items?
R: because I took mine home already and you've already opened yours
VR: I am feeling a little uncomfortable with you standing there inspecting my things
R: well, darling if it would make you feel better you can come home with me tonight and inspect my things
VR: EEP!
January 4th
the 8:30 to 4:30 crew just left and a lovely silence descends. I walk past Russian's desk and said to him..
VR: wow it got so quiet, amazing difference the absence of one or two people makes.
R: I can be loud too
VR: Really?" *smirk*
R:*blush, smirks* well what's the point of holding it in?
VR: especially when you are having so much fun
January 7th
far too early in the day or week for it...
VR: I thought you were taking the day off today since it's your christmas?
R: No, I'd have to take it as a Vacation day, I don't want to.
VR: But it's your christmas. We get the day off, so should you. That's not fair.
R: Life's not fair.
VR: yeah, you have to just put up and shut up
R: Put out?
VR: no, put up...
R: I'd rather put out
VR: I know dear, but it's a little early
R: Oh I like it early...
VR: yes, let me have my coffee first, hmm?
January 9th
Russian bought a new phone and is experimenting with all the ring tones...
R: this one is called "disco"*music*
R: and this one is called "slow groove"*music*
VR: wow, so when someone calls you it sounds like there's a party in your pants
R: Oh behave!
VR: hey put it on vibrate, put it in your pocket and let me call you...
R: *laugh*
January 10th
Russian comes back from the kitchen with a satisfied smile on his face....
VR: did you just eat a canary?
R: pardon?
VR: you have a big smile on your face, like the cat that ate the canary...
R: no, I ate a piece of fudge..I've never heard of this saying. And my cats do not eat canaries
VR: I suppose your cats eat caviar?
R: all my pussies deserve caviar...
February 15th
day after valentine's day...
VR: So what did you get your sweetie for valentine's day
R: A Dyson Vacuum cleaner
VR: *deadpan* wow. how romantic.
R: it was! they are the Porshe of vacuum cleaners!
VR: really?
R: and...they never lose their suction*winks*...
April 2nd
R: *handing me a stack of papers* sorry to be giving you work
VR: could be worse. you could be giving me VD
May 2nd
Russian walks by my desk with his afternoon snack fixings..a couple of slices of whole wheat bread and big jar of Nutella spread (for those of you don't know it's a delicious hazelnut-chocolate spread loved my European children and kinksters the world over)
R: *sotto voce* want to join me?
VR: *blush* ahhhhh...hmmm
R: c'mon I'll make one for you and one for me
VR: *blush* *stammer* *cough*
R: what why are you blushing? it's just nutella. don't tell me you are on some stupid diet?
VR: no, no...it's..you don't understand
R: c'mon it's gooood...
VR: no *gets very warm* you don't understand. I have nutella at home. But I don't put it on bread.
*pause*
*pause*
R: *blushes* *laughs* well now you HAVE to come with me..
May 8th
As I was chatting with G (a.k.a the Russian's Work-Spouse) about something, the Russian felt compelled to sidle over and interrupt...
R: Are you in love?
VR: Pardon??
R: Are you in love? is there a special new man in your life?
G: Why the hell are you asking that!?
R: Because for the last while she has a certain glow and is happy and she is dressing so nice...
G: *motions to the tiny bit of exposed cleavage under my zipped-up jacket* HUH. yeah you know where he's looking!
VR:*zips jacket a bit more closed* You really shouldn't say those things to me in front of her you know how jealous she gets! *laugh*
R: but it's true, you have this nice glow like someone in love
G: maybe she is *winks* or maybe it's just the tan from her trip to Cuba
VR: *blushes* Yes, I'm in love with life, I'm in love with spring...
R & G: *roll their eyes*
VR: LOL no, there's no one right now. Don't you have some nice single Russian friends you can introduce me to?
R: oh no...
G: HA! No he wants you all to himself!
VR: hah oh well thank you for the compliment sweetie
R: you're welcome darling *sticks tongue out at G*
May 21st
R: you're not staying late again are you?
VR: yeah. I don't have a Russian waiting for me at home, I might as well stay and get some work finished
R: you need to look around, this city is a meat market
VR: oh really? where specifically?
R: downtown
VR: I don't think I would like the "meat" available downtown...
R: *laughs* ok i'm going
VR: yes, go home and wait for me, Ii should be home in an hour or so, you can cook me something...
R: *laughs* goodnite!
He's so damn cute!
Weekend Plans
Blah. Seems the weather will not be so great this weekend, cloudy and rainy. So I am planning on having a Buffy the Vampire Slayer Film Festival. Have borrowed the dvds of the first four seasons of BtVS from my dear friend Bexx and will settle in with snacks and drinks and pretend I am in my 20's again. I wonder what drinking game I should play? And yes I will be alone. Because the angst of Buffy and Angel's love always makes me sniffle and I don't cry in front of my friends. It's one thing to do that in your naive 20's and quite a whole other thing to still be doing that in your jaded 30's. *sigh* oh Angelus!
Thursday, May 29, 2008
A Kiss May Be Grand....
I am in love with lipgloss. Sparkly, yummy flavours, smoothing and emmollient and last a surprisingly long time, with just a hint of colour. I used to think they were only for teens and twittery twenty-somethings, and I used to relish the whole slightly erotic ritual of reapplying a dark red lipstick, but I find myself reaching for my glosses more and more these days. I usually carry 3 or 4 in my purse and can't resist buying them whenever I see a new brand. Am loving specifically Victoria's Secret Beauty Rush lipglosses right now. They are very lickable, and I'm not the only one who thinks so *smiles*.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Biannual Personal Inventory
Every so often I take stock of my life, a sort of Spring Cleaning of my personal stuff. I decide what to keep and what to let go in terms of friends and acquaintances, habits, beliefs and thoughts.
This season I am letting go of the following:
This season I am letting go of the following:
- toxic relationships
- people who take me for granted
- people who bore me
- the idea that I will never be good enough. I am good enough.
- the idea that I have to clean my apartment every weekend as though my mother will suddenly drop by and do a white-gloved spot inspection.
- the habit of sleeping in. So much can be accomplished for myself in the early hours before my day is handed over to others
- the habit of getting home and sitting catatonic in front of the TV until bedtime. It is the ultimate waste of my precious time
- that I have to exercise everyday. Some days I may not feel like it, and that is Ok
- the belief that everyone's opinion has validity. It doesn't. Opinions are like arseholes, everyone has one and everyone's stinks. Just because the person voicing their opinion thinks they are smarter than everyone else doesn't necessarily make it so.
I think that is a good start.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Advice to real men
It is possible that some women have been burned so badly when they took the risk in the past to believe a man or believe in love and now feel they can't, or that taking the risk again is not worth the pain. Learned behavior that is hard to shake.
And since there are no longer dragons to slay, what proof can a woman ask of a man? what actions rather than just words can a woman believe? we are told conflicting things by countless magazines and books advising how to handle, maneuvre and manipulate a budding relationship into what we think we need and want, only to have everyting turned upside down, the man lies or leaves or is unfaithful or we realize too late that we are unhappy.
We are as confused as you are. Our instincts are blunt and worn down by cynicism, and we think we want what movies and faded memories of fairy tales tell us to want from love, from a man, from a relationship.
Be patient and slay the dragons as they arise in our minds.
And since there are no longer dragons to slay, what proof can a woman ask of a man? what actions rather than just words can a woman believe? we are told conflicting things by countless magazines and books advising how to handle, maneuvre and manipulate a budding relationship into what we think we need and want, only to have everyting turned upside down, the man lies or leaves or is unfaithful or we realize too late that we are unhappy.
We are as confused as you are. Our instincts are blunt and worn down by cynicism, and we think we want what movies and faded memories of fairy tales tell us to want from love, from a man, from a relationship.
Be patient and slay the dragons as they arise in our minds.
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