Is that an umbrella in your pocket?

First, a little story my Russian told me about some friends of his....

When packing up to leave the hotel where they had spent the weekend while in Montreal, the BF was doing his usual OCD ritual of searching the room making sure nothing got left behind accidentally. Crouching down to look under the bed he thought to himself "I don't remember bringing an umbrella" but reached for it anyway. When he brought it out he stared at it a little bit and heard the GF scream "DROP IT OMG DROP IT!! OMG WHY ARE YOU STILL HOLDING IT!"
Turns out it was a large cucumber in a condom....


The other morning, Russian and I had this interchange:


Russian: they are calling for rain today
Me: who's "They"?
Russian: *eyeroll* the forecast calls for rain today...
Me: that's good, English is a tool, use it wisely.
Russian: speaking of tools, did you remember your umbrella *eyebrow waggles*
Me: Oh I always carry one …oh wait a minute…ewww!
Russian: Do you want to see mine?
Me: dood don’t whip it out here!
Russian: see? *pulls out small compact black umbrella* it’s small but it does the job
Me: oh mine is bigger than that! *pulls out bigger umbrella from purse* I’m used to bigger ones
Russian: *puts his umbrella next to mine* yes it is bigger than mine
Me: Aw do you have umbrella envy now?
Russian: LOL

Misheard Things can get you into Trouble

other people's convo with the russian I over heard (cuz I myself am too busy today for the Flirt)


G: Ugh I have cramps today
Russian: You have crabs?
G: omg no!
Russian: maybe you should move a little further away from me...
G: omg I said cramps!
Russian: well still, that's not something you should broadcast.

in the kitchen eating my lunch...

Russian: oh that looks lovely
Me: Are you talking about me or my sandwich?
Russian: *pause*
Me: *raises brow*
Russian: oh I would never call you a "that"
Me: good to know

The Suit Off his Back

at lunch hour I spotted 3 men dressed in only red ties and black boxers holding up signs advertising for the Moores Suit Donation drive. wondering if the Russian saw the same...

Me: Did you see the half naked men on the corner?
Russian: Yes. what was that about?
Me: Moore's suit donations drive. they ask men to give their old suits to their charity then give to men entering the workplace who can't afford to buy new suits.
Russian: that's nice
Me: I expected you to give the suit off your back...
Russian: But then I would come to work naked!
Me: yes...and?
Russian: BEHAVE!

Back from Vacation...

Me: mmm I smell banana
Russian: that would be me, *eats banana* I would share but I'm afraid it's overripe and over bruised
Me: Kinda like you?
Russian: Me?
Me: Yes, you did just come back from holiday in Turkey
Russian: stop that, that's Vegas talk! lol