The desire to dominate

I want to see how far I can push myself and my capability to inflict pain. I want to see how far I can push my sub, how far he will let me go, how far he will trust me. Because trust is a frightening thing to me, it is so foreign. I trust no one. I want to look at trust and examine it up close and in its most extreme representation.

I think it is emotional intensity, intimacy and pure love hyper-condensed into a session or scene. What it takes most a lifetime to discover about themselves and their partner, a lifetime if at all to feel and reveal about ourselves, happens in a few hours for us.

I want again that out-of-body experience, the mild fugue state that I felt the first time I whipped someone. It is delirious intoxication, the mix of power, sexual stimulation, and psychic release. To feel the dissipation of a lifetime of moral code imbedded in me evaporating off my skin. To be all instinct, no clear or rational thought, no guilt; giving way to only endorphins and emotions. I want to be the cause of someone’s pain and sexual gratification, irrevocably twisted and twined together, and of their freedom. To be breathlessly thanked for helping this person on their silken path to transcendence.

I want to be the reason a sub cries, or cries out. To make tears fall then lick them off the face, the sweet salt sting on my tongue, and then to comfort. To feel the strange combination of extreme revulsion at the sub’s weakness and the absolute tenderness of affection in that moment for this human crumbled at my feet. To destroy him utterly, then carefully and lovingly put him back together again. To be that necessary, that needed, like air which we do not notice until it is gone. To cause the suffering, then remove it, assuage and comfort, then give him great pleasure. Because despite my ability to demonstrate extreme cruelty I am also capable of extreme tenderness. That is the dichotomy I live.

Because I love this person I will give him his fondest wish, his deepest darkest most unspeakable desire. Because I love this person nothing he desires is strange or abhorrent to me. And because he is willing to suffer for all this makes him beautiful to me. Because I love him I want to own him, to be mine and mine alone, and give him all my attention, all my effort, all my care.

I want to be the only one who makes him scream, cry, cum. I want him to close his eyes and see my face, feel and smell my skin. Whenever you feel arousal it should be because of me. Whenever you feel pain it should be because of me. When you cum it should be because of me. I want to be the only one that twists together your pain and your pleasure, woven and knotted together.

But you must first earn it. You must prove yourself and be made worthy. Is my great love not worth a little suffering, a little pain?