I'm reading back all my introductory sent messages on dating sites I belong to, crafted and finely honed initial messages to men I found interesting or cute enough to contact. Normally I play coy and wait for them to notice I noticed them and wait for their message to me. But to be more proactive I read their profiles and glean something, some kernel of fun or funny or interesting information with which to contact them. My messages remain largely unread or not responded to, and I realize now in hindsight they read like bad comedy bits...

"Sorry I totally misread your profile and thought you had said "mud wrestling in Germany" and not Mud Wrestling and Germany as interests. I started to wonder if that was really a thing, and if it coincides with Oktoberfest, and then I wondered how much plane tickets to Germany are these days..."

"I liked your pictures, well everyone except the one with you and the snake. A pet? Though I'm sure I'll eventually learn to love your snake. Wait are we still talking about the reptile?"

"Sounds like you are looking for a Bonnie to your Clyde, or a Jeckyl to your Hyde."

"I know that place you mentioned in your profile! Wanda's Pie in the Sky! sorry I get excited about pie."

"I don't think occasionally eating chicken kabobs makes you a bad vegetarian. But from now on when eating anything I enjoy I am going to say I ate with "joyous carnal abandon" in honour of you, it's my new favourite thing to say so thank you."


This was a sampling of messages I've sent only in this past week.

Oh god. I'm going to be alone forever.