Ranty rant... apropos of nothing really

I think my main issue with some poly people is that they think they are somehow a much more evolved sexual being than the rest of us mere monogamists, poor backward traditionalist-types,  unhappy face. They believe, and will tell you, ad naseum, that they have transcended the petty jealousy and illogical emotional responses to non-traditional relationships. they will quote at you the SCIENCE behind non-monogamy and how we have been tricked to accept patriarchy defined constructs of relationships. They not only have read ALL the literature regarding the subject, but LIVE it each and every single day. Their relationships are tight. Their communication skillz are so much better than my, yours or anyone else's communication skillz, yo.

To which I have only one response: Fuck you. 

If relationships were logical we’d all look like Mr. Spock. 

The desire to dominate

I want to see how far I can push myself and my capability to inflict pain. I want to see how far I can push my sub, how far he will let me go, how far he will trust me. Because trust is a frightening thing to me, it is so foreign. I trust no one. I want to look at trust and examine it up close and in its most extreme representation.

I think it is emotional intensity, intimacy and pure love hyper-condensed into a session or scene. What it takes most a lifetime to discover about themselves and their partner, a lifetime if at all to feel and reveal about ourselves, happens in a few hours for us.

I want again that out-of-body experience, the mild fugue state that I felt the first time I whipped someone. It is delirious intoxication, the mix of power, sexual stimulation, and psychic release. To feel the dissipation of a lifetime of moral code imbedded in me evaporating off my skin. To be all instinct, no clear or rational thought, no guilt; giving way to only endorphins and emotions. I want to be the cause of someone’s pain and sexual gratification, irrevocably twisted and twined together, and of their freedom. To be breathlessly thanked for helping this person on their silken path to transcendence.

I want to be the reason a sub cries, or cries out. To make tears fall then lick them off the face, the sweet salt sting on my tongue, and then to comfort. To feel the strange combination of extreme revulsion at the sub’s weakness and the absolute tenderness of affection in that moment for this human crumbled at my feet. To destroy him utterly, then carefully and lovingly put him back together again. To be that necessary, that needed, like air which we do not notice until it is gone. To cause the suffering, then remove it, assuage and comfort, then give him great pleasure. Because despite my ability to demonstrate extreme cruelty I am also capable of extreme tenderness. That is the dichotomy I live.

Because I love this person I will give him his fondest wish, his deepest darkest most unspeakable desire. Because I love this person nothing he desires is strange or abhorrent to me. And because he is willing to suffer for all this makes him beautiful to me. Because I love him I want to own him, to be mine and mine alone, and give him all my attention, all my effort, all my care.

I want to be the only one who makes him scream, cry, cum. I want him to close his eyes and see my face, feel and smell my skin. Whenever you feel arousal it should be because of me. Whenever you feel pain it should be because of me. When you cum it should be because of me. I want to be the only one that twists together your pain and your pleasure, woven and knotted together.

But you must first earn it. You must prove yourself and be made worthy. Is my great love not worth a little suffering, a little pain?

Message to the Mens

Glitter and Hope

While listening to the entertainment news on the radio this morning I heard that Mariah Carey is indeed pregnant. She is also 41. Which, although I have long made peace with the very real possibility that I will never marry and have children myself, gave me a bit of hope. Much like someone hanging off the edge of a precipice feels when their hands get a little more purchase on the ledge one is hanging off of.

I am 38 and single, not dating seriously. I have a good job and recently bought a condo, I have some savings and all around am rather set in my ways. I have always been what my mother calls "too independent for my own good." As a child and teen I have always thought my life as an adult would be filled with adventure, travel, affairs and short-lived romantic liaisons. I was never one of those girls who imagined her wedding or thought up names for my children. And I thought I would be happy. But there is a part of me that actually would like to find someone to marry, buy a little house and have a few children with. But as the years progressed and no such person presented themselves in my life, I have settled for "just me" and conceded to the biological fact that it becomes increasingly more difficult to concieve and maintain a pregnancy past the age of 35.

And yet whenever I hear of a woman, like Mariah - career-driven and too independent for her own good - miraculously finding a soulmate and even more miraculously getting pregnant, I can't help but think it is not yet too late for me as well. The only question is, how much do I want it and am I willing to actively pursue it to its end.

The answer may be the scariest thing I ever admit to myself.

Recurring Themes

This is old stuff I posted elsewhere but I have to remind myself if noone else...

Oprah needs to love herself...

http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/081209/entertainment/oprah_winfrey_weight

I'm not a big fan of Oprah, but I respect immensely what she has accomplished. This news about her "embarassment" at hitting 200 pounds makes me sad. She sounds to me like she should work more on her self-esteem rather than killing herself trying to lose weight. Maybe her body knows better than she does and it naturally goes to 200 pounds no matter what she does? I'm all for eating healthy and exercising to feel healthier but not for appearances sake. And really who cares, when she looks so great. She has a great bust and a curvacious form! I'd love to fill out a dress like that! Seriously, she should learn to love herself and not apologise for her size. My god she's the most influencial woman on the planet right now! What kind of message does this send to young women and girls struggling with body image? Oprah, and all plus size women, need to look in the mirror and tell ourselves every single day: "YES I AM A BIG WOMAN - I HAVE A BIG HEART AND IT NEEDS A WHOLE LOTTA ROOM!"