Things My Russian Says

The running joke 'round the coffee club counter is that I tease the Russian about his alleged association with the KGB, and that he sends weekly status updates to the Kremlin about his activities here to undermine, dishearten and spread general desolation and disillusionment in the capitalist system we enjoy (e.g. "well it's Friday, another week of our lives pissed away, until we die" is his usual Friday morning greeting).
Yesterday, for some reason, he started vacuuming the carpet in his work area, and a co-worker on the other side of the partition, who was on the phone, became very irate.
Today I asked him if he was going to mention in his weekly report his successful use of his "Weapons of Mass Disturbance".

Things My Russian Says:
He's a little upset that I don't join him as regularly as I used to for break and gossips...
Russian: if you don't come I will be forced to socialize with myself
Me: is that what the kids are calling it these days
Russian: what?
NovaScotia Carol: LMAO
Me: *affecting a Russian Jewish mother's accent* what are you doing so long in the bathroom??!! Socializing with yourself?!
Russian: lol

Russian is heading out to Vancouver tomorrow then up to Kelowna for some heli-skiing. Apparently has agreed to wear a helmet-cam to share his experiences... .

Me: what time is your flight?
Russian: 11 am, so I'll go to the airport around 9 am
Me: You may want to head down a little earlier, in case you get the full pat-down
Russian: why would they do that? It's not an international flight?
Me: Oh I dunno, maybe "someone" will call Airport security and alert them to a suspicious-looking Russian...
Nova Scotia Carol: yeah with a helmet cam
Me: I'm just saying don't be surprised if a uniformed man takes you into a back room and tells you to drop your pants
Nova Scotia Carol: we'll be watching the live helmet-cam footage and wondering why you are filming so much of the floor and your feet..
Russian: Can I at least have soft music and candlelight when he does this?
Me: I'm sure you could request that.

so we have a company party on Saturday and we're talking about it, what we are going to wear who we are bringing as a guest etc..

Nova Scotia Carol: I'm bringing my friend Owen, he's 6ft 6' tall
Me: hello! you know what they say about tall men, tall men with big feet
‎ Russian: oh that's a myth. Besides it's all about the personality
Me: says the man with small feet

Russian: hey do you have a $10 bill?
Me: Depends. What are you going to do for it?
Russian: Give you two $5 bills?
Me: ah c'mon!
Russian: ok ok, I'll show you my ankle *batts eyelashes*
Me: ohhh careful tho you 'll have to lift your burka up for that, lol

Russian: Coffee time!
Me: *looks at clock* wow that came quickly
Russian: What? I came quickly?
Me: oh no no, believe me if YOU came quickly I'd be much more upset
Russian; what?... oh.. it's too early for that nonsense!
Me: LOL

Is that an umbrella in your pocket?

First, a little story my Russian told me about some friends of his....

When packing up to leave the hotel where they had spent the weekend while in Montreal, the BF was doing his usual OCD ritual of searching the room making sure nothing got left behind accidentally. Crouching down to look under the bed he thought to himself "I don't remember bringing an umbrella" but reached for it anyway. When he brought it out he stared at it a little bit and heard the GF scream "DROP IT OMG DROP IT!! OMG WHY ARE YOU STILL HOLDING IT!"
Turns out it was a large cucumber in a condom....


The other morning, Russian and I had this interchange:


Russian: they are calling for rain today
Me: who's "They"?
Russian: *eyeroll* the forecast calls for rain today...
Me: that's good, English is a tool, use it wisely.
Russian: speaking of tools, did you remember your umbrella *eyebrow waggles*
Me: Oh I always carry one …oh wait a minute…ewww!
Russian: Do you want to see mine?
Me: dood don’t whip it out here!
Russian: see? *pulls out small compact black umbrella* it’s small but it does the job
Me: oh mine is bigger than that! *pulls out bigger umbrella from purse* I’m used to bigger ones
Russian: *puts his umbrella next to mine* yes it is bigger than mine
Me: Aw do you have umbrella envy now?
Russian: LOL

Misheard Things can get you into Trouble

other people's convo with the russian I over heard (cuz I myself am too busy today for the Flirt)


G: Ugh I have cramps today
Russian: You have crabs?
G: omg no!
Russian: maybe you should move a little further away from me...
G: omg I said cramps!
Russian: well still, that's not something you should broadcast.

in the kitchen eating my lunch...

Russian: oh that looks lovely
Me: Are you talking about me or my sandwich?
Russian: *pause*
Me: *raises brow*
Russian: oh I would never call you a "that"
Me: good to know

The Suit Off his Back

at lunch hour I spotted 3 men dressed in only red ties and black boxers holding up signs advertising for the Moores Suit Donation drive. wondering if the Russian saw the same...

Me: Did you see the half naked men on the corner?
Russian: Yes. what was that about?
Me: Moore's suit donations drive. they ask men to give their old suits to their charity then give to men entering the workplace who can't afford to buy new suits.
Russian: that's nice
Me: I expected you to give the suit off your back...
Russian: But then I would come to work naked!
Me: yes...and?
Russian: BEHAVE!

Back from Vacation...

Me: mmm I smell banana
Russian: that would be me, *eats banana* I would share but I'm afraid it's overripe and over bruised
Me: Kinda like you?
Russian: Me?
Me: Yes, you did just come back from holiday in Turkey
Russian: stop that, that's Vegas talk! lol

More Sh*t My Russian Says

NS Carol: so this guy I've been trying to ignore is insisting on taking me to dinner.
Me: He sounds very persistent.
NS Carol: I don't know what he wants
Me: sounds like he wants you, or he wants IT
NS Carol: He wants IT.
Russian: So what's the big deal, don't you come with IT?
Me & NS Carol: LOL!

Hair care tips

Russian: I think I will get a haircut today
Me: It's pretty short, are you sure?
Russian: It's a little long around my ears, I don't like it long
Me: C'mere, lemme show you a quick tip on how to determine if you need a haircut or not. Bend down *grabs a handful of his hair*
Russian: uh ow?
Me: see it's too short already. I like a bit more, gives me something to hang on to and pull on
Russian: *blushes* ok and on that note I suddenly have a lot of work to do so I must go!
Me: LOL

Shoe Fetish

This morning as I'm walking to work, the Russian sidles up behind me...

Russian: I like your shoes (am wearing brown leather high heeled peep-toe shoes for those interested)
Me: do you want to wear them?
Russian: lol no. I just like them and how you walk in them... click click click... I suppose you can't run in them tho
Me: Oh I can, it just depends who I'm running after *wink*
Russian: or running away from? *smirk*
Me: eggzachary

He'd look good in Hugo Boss actually

in the kitchen with the Russian getting the Breakfast Club stuff ready...

Russian: start toasting the bread
Me: Pardon me?
Russian: I'll say it slower: Start... Toasting.... Bread...
Me: I heard you, I was waiting for the Please and Thank you. I don't take orders from you yanno
Russian: only on the website? *smirk*
Me: No, only when you wear your Herr Flick Gestapo outfit, which you seem to have forgotten this morning
Russian: My whip and tall boots are in the shop
Me: no worries I'll bring in my riding crop tomorrow

A Little Condiment Goes a Long Way

I've been bringing into the office some homemade pear jam for our breakfasts, but it seems the Russian preferrs raspberry...

Me: this little bit of jam is lasting a while, we should finish it up so I can bring some more
Russian: I've been eating the raspberry jam, I like the way it tastes with peanut butter better
Me: yes, thank you I am well aware of your preference and it's ok I no longer see it as a personal affront to me and my culinary skill
Russian: No no, I like your jam, but just prefer this other one sometimes. We should never let jam come between us
Me: oh I don't know, a little jam between us might be a wonderful thing...
Russian: *eye roll*

A Website?

Russian: you need to seriously consider this website idea. I have a friend who has experience with this and could design a site for you. I know you have a mortgage now...
Me: get thee behind me satan and pass the ketchup there...thanks
Russian: ... maybe set up a web cam...
Me: you've been giving this an awful lot of thought, I don't know whether to be flattered or totally creeped out
Russian: be flattered.
Me: Maybe YOU should have the website. You could wear that best man tuxedo from that wedding you went to last weekend and lick spoons for money...call it SexyRussianLic ksSpoons.com. I'd pay to see that.
Russian: SexyRussianLic ksSpoonsInATux edoAndSpeedos. com?
Me: see? it practically writes itself.

Shit My Russian Says: an idea

Russian: I see you are wearing your dominatrix boots today
Me: I wore them just for you
Russian: you're too kind. Have you ever thought of having your own website?
Me: no, but obviously you have. How do you know I don't already have one?
Russian: you don't. I googled you
Me: and you didn't even buy me dinner first, tsk tsk...

Shit My Russian Says

Me: *poking at my Lean Cuisine Mango curry chicken*
Russian: Don't just play with it, eat it
Me: I'll bet you say that to all the girls...

Googled

Russian: I see you are wearing your dominatrix boots today
Me: I wore them just for you
Russian: you're too kind. Have you ever thought of having your own website?
Me: no, but obviously you have. How do you know I don't already have one?
Russian: you don't. I googled you
Me: and you didn't even buy me dinner first, tsk tsk...